Tag Archives: Relationships

About time

So I’ve never really put myself first. The first time I ever really truly put myself first was when I decided to move to New York. And let’s be real, I upset a lot of people. I was living with my cousin at the time and I had to break the lease. He was pissed at me. My friends and family didn’t understand why I had to move instead of staying in our comfortable Bay Area suburban bubble. They were kinda pissed with me. My best friend was pregnant and I didn’t stay until her baby was born. She was pissed at me.

Thing is, I’ve always lived my life according to other people’s validation, approval, and acceptance.

New York was the first time in my life that I stood for me. I was erect in my belief that this was not just what I truly longed and desired for but I know it was something that would catapult me into something bigger than the life I had led.

So. Here is is.. yes I feel the life that I led wasn’t big enough for me. Please don’t get it twisted. I’m not saying I was better than the life I had. I am saying that it no longer satiated me. I couldn’t quell the voices that were so loud and so clear in my head telling me to leave and do more. Should I have ignored them I really believe that I would have lived a fine life. I would’ve been complacent as I continued to mature and develop in character. I would’ve ignored the nagging in my own heart and mind. I would’ve traveled maybe once or twice a year. I probably would’ve met someone and settled down and moved to the South South Bay or out East and bought a house I responsibly could afford and had a beautiful family.

That’s not who I wanted to be or what I wanted in my life.

Again, I’m not saying it’s wrong or am I putting it down or think I’m better than. It just wasn’t for me at the time nor at the present moment. There is no judgment.

The last few years I have made such a concerted effort to be true to who I am. To at the end of the day know that I’ve done the best with what resources and tools I have.

Here’s the thing. That decision to put myself first genuinely catapulted an actionable behavior change in me. Since then I’ve been trying to hold true to who I am and what I want and need to light my soul on fire.

I always thought that to be loved and to heard and accepted I had to constantly make others happy. If I’m being honest, also parallel to that, I pushed away the people that made me a priority and took my own happiness and love in a high regard. Those happened to be most, if not all, of the important romantic loves of my life.

Anyways. Another time and place for that.

So I put others first. Ok, you need me to drive to whatever function so you can drink and be carefree or not put miles on your car? No problem. It’s my birthday? No worries, I got this. I’ll still drive. I’m a good drunk driver. Oh, the bill is short for a group of how ever many? I mean, I already covered my tab and an additional 20% but this poor server only makes minimum wage and has to deal with assholes while being on their feet all damn day.  That would suck if they don’t get a good tip. I don’t mind hosting your baby shower, wedding shower, engagement/bridal shower, birthday, holiday party, whatever and put in the effort to decorate by doing things like cool diaper cakes I googled on YouTube because I know it’ll make you happy. And I want you to know that I truly want to celebrate this big momentous occasion in your life.  Also, it’s the holidays I want to make things special. I like being surrounded by people I love. I should definitely plan a get together where we can all encourage and celebrate each other and just give thanks to our sisterhood. I’ll make sure to take it on and make it a tradition every year so everyone knows how special I think they are. I would love to have a regular get together I should probably host brunch every Sunday but not ask anyone to contribute by bringing food, helping cook or clean because it’s my idea and I don’t want to put any one off…..

I don’t want to sound like an asshole here. These were all choices I made. And I made them happily. I loved doing things for people. I loved knowing that I did that. I made you smile. I made you feel cherished. Now you know you’re special and I think you’re worth it. I see you. I love you. I wouldn’t take any of it back.

All I’m saying is that now I am learning to do for me. I’m choosing how to spend my time. I’m saying no to things that 1. Doesn’t feel right or 2. I don’t want to do.

Imagine that.

Liberation. Freedom of choice. Empowerment of putting myself first.

Not everyone will be on board. I’m sure I will piss a lot of people off. That’s usually the case when your needs don’t align with others’ convenience. Hah. Thing is, I used to care. I find myself caring less about what others approve of these days and more about what serves me.

Funny thing about all of this? I’m liking myself more and more every day. There may be some casualties along the way. Oops. Not my intention! I just want you to know if you find yourself on that end is that I have no ill will or mal intentions. Im just finally putting myself first because honestly, if I don’t no one else will and it feels fucking good. So, I’m sorry you feel hurt but thank you for being a part of the process.

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Those things called feelings

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. It’s mainly because I haven’t set time for myself to do the things I want to do. But it’s also because I’ve been so caught up in work. My work days are long. I get in anytime from 8:30 – 9:15, work through lunch at my desk, and leave anytime from 6:30-8PM. Some nights after work I have clients. Those days are extra long.

I haven’t been able to find a balance between work and my coaching certification program and it’s bumming me out. This program costs a lot of money and has provided me such value in so many ways. It’s changed my perceptions on a lot of things. I’m sad I’m not able to give it the attention it deserves especially because it’s so important to me.

I’ve been a bit out of sorts the last couple of months. I”m struggling to find balance and feel grounded while dealing with the loneliness that has crept up out of the woodworks. I had to cancel a trip to go to Tahoe for a wedding that was planned the end of this month. Durring that trip I was going to layover in the Bay and visit with my people. Although it wasn’t the impetus for feeling lonely it was the impetus for being homesick and hasn’t helped. I haven’t seen my friends and family since last Christmas. This is the longest I’ve been without them.

I’m realizing New York is a tough place to build solid connections. I’m realizing the type of friendship some of the people I was close to can offer to me is not one that satiates my needs. It’s not the same kind of friendship I give. So, I’m reevaluating some things. It’s neither right nor wrong. It’s just reality and it’s unfortunate. But in that conviction there’s strength in setting boundaries. Silver linings.

People here are focused on making it, whatever that means to them. Because the sole focus is self serving it’s difficult for real empathy or depth.

It’s strange and not directly tied to competition but I do think there is a correlation. Because of the self serving factor the competition here in New York is one of a different kind. It’s not comparing yourself to Joe Shmoe or keeping up with the Jones’. It’s more of an undertone that is self imposed. Since the focus is primarily on getting ahead and ‘resume building’ there’s no time for human connection. To build relationships with real substance I truly believe one needs to possess empathy and self awareness.

Maybe the struggle of self awareness and empathy in a city so big are the determining factors in a balanced life here in New York. If you can make it here you can make it anywhere. How many times have you or I heard that saying? New York City is like a jealous lover continuously testing to see how far it can push you to the edge. It’s temperamental. Sending you so many good omens one day causing everything to feel seamless. The next day it’s making you feel like the ground is shaking from under your feet knocking you down while taunting you to get back up again.

That electric buzz that this city pulsates is feeling more to me like a burning energy to keep pushing. Everyone seems to be creating the same type of energy and in someway it manifests itself as New York City’s vibrancy.

I’ve bore witness to how people approach relationships and it seems to be very surface level. There are a lot of brilliant entrepreneurial people with crazy grit in the start up world. It’s why I enjoy being in this space so much. I love to feel like I’m part of the movement. As if I were invited to the party exclusively.

Yet, somehow along the way I’ve lost my footing and I don’t quite feel like I belong.

There’s a lot surrounding that.

I’ve been battling feelings of ineptitude and anxiety. In coaching we use the term saboteur a lot. It means one’s self sabotaging inner voice; the inner critic, if you will. My saboteurs have been working overtime ever since I started this job. I have such a strong need to persevere and feel accomplished. I don’t know what I’m trying to prove to myself but the idea of it is looming over me. I realize I’m the hardest on myself. I don’t always champion myself when I need it the most.

Isn’t it funny how that works. I have a great sense of pride in what obstacles I’ve personally had to overcome yet sometimes I just don’t feel like I’m good enough. It’s absurd. I’m narrating a story to myself that I’m giving truth to where there is none.

I wanted to share with you all where my head is at. Apologies, if this post is scattered or hard to follow. Things aren’t always easy. I’m in a pretty deep funk at the moment. I needed to write. When you get things out of your head they don’t seem as weighty anymore. This is why writing is such a great release.

Life ebbs and flows. But the one thing about change is that it’s always constant. So although I may feel this way right now I can change my perspective tomorrow. One thing that will forever remain are my feelings of gratitude. I continue to make choices for myself. Not everyone gets the privilege nor the right to do so.

I’m taking love, good vibes, and virtual hugs. They’re not for nought. When you send them I feel them. And should any of you be so inclined to visit or want to grab a drink and meet to build I would be more than happy to do so. There’s something really beautiful about human connection and building.

Thank you.