Tag Archives: 30s

TRUST

I’ve had a pretty emotionally charged year and there is no sign of it ending anytime soon. I keep being reminded by all the powers that be (ie my coach, my therapist, my friends, the universe…) that I am exactly where I need to be.

Only in the last few weeks have I really felt the comfort in being present. Mind you, I’m still not completely 100% comfortable with ambiguity and not being “there” yet, wherever “there” is. However, I do feel like I am where I need to be. There are things I’m now consciously working on to alter my mindset and the toxic stories I’ve told myself over my lifetime that no longer serve me.

I am now an emotionally equipped adult with the aptitude, the insight, and the wherewithal to make sound moral and healthy choices. I have to tell myself that. I’m not dependent on these stories and beliefs that I learned to survive as a child. I want to be free of these harmful beliefs because I want to be the best version of me. I want more for myself. I know I can be better.

Wow.

This is huge guys. I’m in a place where I am consciously aware and practicing daily how to negate bad thoughts and bring in positive ones. I’m learning how to trust myself, the process, and the universe.

When I started this year I decided my work was TRUST.

It’s so fitting. I’ve made peace with saying goodbye to friendships that no longer serve me. I had to trust in the fact that I lost my job (for political reasons) so that I could make space for something better. That space has allowed me to really look inside myself and start the real work. I’ve been ‘working’ for years on myself. But this shit I’m currently working on is deep. It’s digging through my soul’s crevices and dark corners to bring shit to light I’ve tried so hard to suppress and ignore.

Looks like you can’t really get over anything until you really get into it and fucking feel it. Huh. Imagine that.

When I become present I see the magnificence in it all and I feel more connected. Not just internally. When I say connected I mean connected to the world. To life. To everything that’s bigger than me and us.

I am exactly where I need to be.

With all that I am learning I’m also trying to prioritize myself. That means listening to what I really need. I’ve historically been the doer and the over-extender. The one that made other people feel special to show them the magnitude of how much i really love them. A part of me feels that in doing all these things I will get love in return.

The fact is. People will love me if they want to and it’s completely out of my control.

It’s been exhausting. I kept waiting for my turn while still over extending. It doesn’t usually come and that’s ok. Because frankly, this was my shit. People love me in the way they know how. And if I’m going to be honest I have a lot of love in my life. I choose to act in ways I thought I had to for love.

Looks like I have other choices.

I’m going to put my Self  first. I want to give myself all the love I give out. I know that this will be uncomfortable for a lot of people. For example: when one decides that a friendship doesn’t serve them anymore people will have thoughts and feelings behind it. That’s ok. If these people with these sentiments love you they will respect your decision even if it changes dynamics and status quo.  Ask me if you need more examples. I have them.

It’s tough to feel like I’ve disappointed others. I’m working through this whole ‘prioritizing myself’ thing and all the super charged feelings and reactions I have to things.

Just know that by being a better me I will be a better friend, better sister, better partner, better worker. Trust.

 

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Whoa..

Time is really escaping me in this wonderful crazy fast paced city. I didn’t mean for it to take this long for me to update. There has been so much happening and so much I’ve wanted to write about since I last posted.

Firstly, I’m surviving and well (enough). Since the last you’ve heard from me 2 months ago, I’ve been to Chicago for a work trip, Puerto Rico for a girls trip, SXSW in Austin for an alcohol/drug fueled get away from New York trip, worked more of my ass off, moved to the West Village with a roommate, been on a few dates, became a certified Life Coach, gotten a new boss, my company raised series C funding, been back home to Cali  to say ‘goodbye’ to a lot of things I love including family, gotten a raise, and  booked my next big trip to Turkey for the fall.

Whoa..

Things ya’ll. Big things and I’m still trying to figure out the time to process it all. It’s hard.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve come this far because I haven’t had time to process or maybe even possibly because that I won’t allow myself to. Huh. Food for thought..

I digress.

Life moves very very quickly here in New York. My 2 year anniversary is fast approaching and so much has happened since I said farewell to being a Cali resident July 2014. I’ve really solidified some really amazing friendships I have here. I will cherish forever these people who have been a part of my new life; who btw probably don’t or won’t ever even understand the magnitude of their contribution to my life. It’s crazy.

When I set out to move to this city I had so many ideas and ideals of what my life would look like.  So many personal goals I set myself to accomplish. So many dreams I thought would remain unrequited and just what they started off to be… simply dreams.

I’m somewhat stupefied, yet somehow simultaneously not at all amazed that I am where I am today. In some ways I really surprised myself but in others I always knew that I could be capable of anything I set my mind to.

Could I be more vague? hah. Get at me if you have questions.

I am proud and unbelievably grateful to be where I am in the place that I am. I worked very hard to be the person I am today. I went through a lot of life’s shit already. I survived it. I’m still here and I’ve experienced many wonderful things, some really sad things, and some things I sometimes wish I didn’t but because I did, I gained perspective, appreciation, and gratitude.

When I packed up my life in California to live in New York City I really wanted to be living in the West Village. Besides that I  longed to be working in a start up that I truly believed in, that had leadership I could admire and get behind, that was headed somewhere substantial, where I could grow and learn and showcase the skills I’ve acquired thus far, where I made solid friendships, where I had a lot of fun, and that truly appreciated my efforts. Is that a lot? I didn’t think so. I also wanted to fall in love again. That’s really hard for me to admit. I’m being very vulnerable right now admitting to whoever reads this that I wanted to fall in love again and that frankly, I have been ready for it.  {*Sidenote: Man, it really does make things so incredibly real when it’s ‘said’ aloud (or in this case written) out loud.}

I really put in the energy and time the moment I landed in New York to get to where I am.  2 out of 3 major things accomplished in less than 2 years ain’t bad right? Besides, along the way I stumbled upon Life Coaching and so many other truly wonderful things and experiences and people.

Thank you for those who believed in me and sent me your support silently or that cheered loudly along the sidelines. Clearly, your efforts have not been ignored! It’s funny though how writing things all out seems like whoa, but in my head and my heart things kinda end up feeling like I’m living by either surviving or not. This must be why it’s important to process. Huh. Imagine that.

Regardless, it’s nice to be able to pause for a minute.

Like, whoa…

 

 

Birthday thangs

So this was the 2nd celebration I’ve had in New York for my birthday. Wow. I actually live here you guys. It still surprises me. And I just had my 2nd birthday here? Like, what? I live in one of the greatest cities in the world and I’m still alive. Pretty cool.

Anyways, I’m older. I tried to feel indifferent about it but have been unsuccessful. Getting older sucks when you don’t have everything in place although I feel very blessed and super grateful for my life thus far and all the people in it. I would say I’m lucky but I do put in effort for those I love so I’m realizing it’s okay to acknowledge that and to feel special.

The celebration kicked off when these very lovely ladies surprised me for dinner. I was really surprised and it was super sweet. I. It was an emotional night I may have cried…

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Work even gave me a bottle of vino which was a great way to kick off the weekend since I was going wine tasting out in Long Island on Saturday. Wine tasting is one of my favorite things to do, especially with a big group. I love being outdoors and seeing the pretty vineyards and drinking delectable wine.

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On Sunday I had a very boozy brunch with an even boozier day turning into a pretty boozy night.

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I had my actual birthday off for Columbus day and I tried very hard to spend it doing nothing but relaxing guilt free. It was Huxley’s pupdoptiversary so we celebrated him as well. I took him to the dog park and gave him a bath so he was nice and pretty and treated him to his own birthday cookie, candle and all.

Then that night had dinner with one of my favorites at Benihana’s. I don’t care what anyone says I love that chain restaurant so freaking much.

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It was a perfect weekend and I was showered with so much love and happy wishes that warmed my heart. I was never one to make a big deal of my birthday. Now I’m starting to feel like each year that passes should be celebrated. If not for simply being alive; but also because each year is filled with wonderful experiences with people I love. That and every once in a while it’s nice  to feel heard and appreciated.

Thank you. Life is good. – xx

Those things called feelings

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. It’s mainly because I haven’t set time for myself to do the things I want to do. But it’s also because I’ve been so caught up in work. My work days are long. I get in anytime from 8:30 – 9:15, work through lunch at my desk, and leave anytime from 6:30-8PM. Some nights after work I have clients. Those days are extra long.

I haven’t been able to find a balance between work and my coaching certification program and it’s bumming me out. This program costs a lot of money and has provided me such value in so many ways. It’s changed my perceptions on a lot of things. I’m sad I’m not able to give it the attention it deserves especially because it’s so important to me.

I’ve been a bit out of sorts the last couple of months. I”m struggling to find balance and feel grounded while dealing with the loneliness that has crept up out of the woodworks. I had to cancel a trip to go to Tahoe for a wedding that was planned the end of this month. Durring that trip I was going to layover in the Bay and visit with my people. Although it wasn’t the impetus for feeling lonely it was the impetus for being homesick and hasn’t helped. I haven’t seen my friends and family since last Christmas. This is the longest I’ve been without them.

I’m realizing New York is a tough place to build solid connections. I’m realizing the type of friendship some of the people I was close to can offer to me is not one that satiates my needs. It’s not the same kind of friendship I give. So, I’m reevaluating some things. It’s neither right nor wrong. It’s just reality and it’s unfortunate. But in that conviction there’s strength in setting boundaries. Silver linings.

People here are focused on making it, whatever that means to them. Because the sole focus is self serving it’s difficult for real empathy or depth.

It’s strange and not directly tied to competition but I do think there is a correlation. Because of the self serving factor the competition here in New York is one of a different kind. It’s not comparing yourself to Joe Shmoe or keeping up with the Jones’. It’s more of an undertone that is self imposed. Since the focus is primarily on getting ahead and ‘resume building’ there’s no time for human connection. To build relationships with real substance I truly believe one needs to possess empathy and self awareness.

Maybe the struggle of self awareness and empathy in a city so big are the determining factors in a balanced life here in New York. If you can make it here you can make it anywhere. How many times have you or I heard that saying? New York City is like a jealous lover continuously testing to see how far it can push you to the edge. It’s temperamental. Sending you so many good omens one day causing everything to feel seamless. The next day it’s making you feel like the ground is shaking from under your feet knocking you down while taunting you to get back up again.

That electric buzz that this city pulsates is feeling more to me like a burning energy to keep pushing. Everyone seems to be creating the same type of energy and in someway it manifests itself as New York City’s vibrancy.

I’ve bore witness to how people approach relationships and it seems to be very surface level. There are a lot of brilliant entrepreneurial people with crazy grit in the start up world. It’s why I enjoy being in this space so much. I love to feel like I’m part of the movement. As if I were invited to the party exclusively.

Yet, somehow along the way I’ve lost my footing and I don’t quite feel like I belong.

There’s a lot surrounding that.

I’ve been battling feelings of ineptitude and anxiety. In coaching we use the term saboteur a lot. It means one’s self sabotaging inner voice; the inner critic, if you will. My saboteurs have been working overtime ever since I started this job. I have such a strong need to persevere and feel accomplished. I don’t know what I’m trying to prove to myself but the idea of it is looming over me. I realize I’m the hardest on myself. I don’t always champion myself when I need it the most.

Isn’t it funny how that works. I have a great sense of pride in what obstacles I’ve personally had to overcome yet sometimes I just don’t feel like I’m good enough. It’s absurd. I’m narrating a story to myself that I’m giving truth to where there is none.

I wanted to share with you all where my head is at. Apologies, if this post is scattered or hard to follow. Things aren’t always easy. I’m in a pretty deep funk at the moment. I needed to write. When you get things out of your head they don’t seem as weighty anymore. This is why writing is such a great release.

Life ebbs and flows. But the one thing about change is that it’s always constant. So although I may feel this way right now I can change my perspective tomorrow. One thing that will forever remain are my feelings of gratitude. I continue to make choices for myself. Not everyone gets the privilege nor the right to do so.

I’m taking love, good vibes, and virtual hugs. They’re not for nought. When you send them I feel them. And should any of you be so inclined to visit or want to grab a drink and meet to build I would be more than happy to do so. There’s something really beautiful about human connection and building.

Thank you.