Category Archives: Holidays

To let go; to bring in

As the year comes to a close I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection. There was a night I gifted (well not quite gifted since it’s something we should give ourselves more frequently with zero guilt) myself where I sat down to be with my thoughts while I drank some fantastic wine with a smell good candle lit and Huxley snoozing on the bed by my side. It’s kind of incredible what a treat a night to yourself spent in the way you want to does for your being. It’s so completely underrated. 

I suggest you all give yourself a night immediately. 

You guys, I’ve done a lot this year. And it’s crazy to think I just realized how much I’ve done. I tend to jump in headfirst and boom there’s autopilot. It used to work for me. It was a survival skill I learned very young to help me through life that I now know wasn’t easy, ideal, or to be honest very loving. I don’t want it to sound like love was lacking in my life but the love was conditional and hard. It wasn’t conducive to a child’s growth or mindset.

But what I want now for myself is to be more mindful. I want expansion. I want to be seen. And by doing/having/being I will then create so much more opportunity in my life. 

I’ve learned that what I tend to do is expend ALL energy I have in work, friendships, whatever. And then as fast as I started I’m left exhausted, tired, and heavy with no energy. Ugh. It’s depleting. And it’s not sustainable. 

I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past 5 years. And I haven’t done it without help. 

If ever there was a segue to the idea of therapy I’m going to take this as it. 

Therapy is important. It is fruitful to being a well rounded person who can look at their hardships and give themselves love. Love to forgive. Love to accept. Love to take action. 

I cannot stress this enough. Therapy is important. It can have a negative stigma and that’s bullshit. 

Would you ask a sommelier what wine they recommend that pairs the best for the plate of food you’re about to order at an established 4 star restaurant? Did you not have a coach to guide you and challenge your physical and mental strength and capacity for whatever sport you played in school or professionally? Do big wig executives not have a board of trusted advisors to check in quarterly on the roadmap and to advise them of sound decisions to ensure a company is headed in the right direction? 

Then why the fuck as a human being living as an adult do you not have a therapist or life coach who has studied, mastered and understands human behaviors, thoughts, and emotion. It’s imperative as a citizen of the world and if, at the very least, as a person who craves something beyond them, to understand who they are by unearthing what they came from to discover who they want to be. Read that again. Please.

You guys, your ego is an incredibly powerful thing. It can hinder so much of who you are. But by acknowleding and recognizing how and when it shows up and why will allow you to move mountains. 

By any means do I think I am moving mountains but by every fuck out there I have the ability to do so. And there’s a fuck for you if you think otherwise.

I am a better person for asking for and seeking help. I’ve always had a problem asking for things. I had pride. I had ego. I had insecurity. 

Now? Now I have and am still learning love for myself. And compassion. 

I want so much for myself. I know you do too. We owe it to ourselves to give ourselves all the resources to actualize our wants.

This is my life. I have to remind myself that I have time. I also have the skills and resources in abundance. 

So this is me. 

I am so grateful for what 2016 has brought me from experiencing the opera at the Met for the first time, to the travel to far away lands, to all the glasses of wine and bowls of fondue at Murray’s Cheese Bar, to those bartenders at Murrays Cheese Bar who didn’t judge me for all the glasses of wine and bowls of fondue I scarfed  down and instead hooked me up, to my super who unclogged my toilet and gave hux love, to drs appointments and physical therapy for my knees, to all the people that have visited me and shared with me their first New York moments, to the seamless food delivery guys that brought me lunch at work daily, to Huxley’s sweet lovable nature, to being able to surprise my best friend on her birthday, to all the apt cleaning I did resentfully, to the subways that came at just the right time, to my shitty narcissistic boss, to becoming a certified coach, to the friends that I’ve laughed and cried with, to saying goodbye to my brothers, my mother, and Becca who beacame one of my best friends, to the overpriced New York everything, to the Greek guy who reminded me how I want to be loved, to being published in a handful of online articles for work, to my rooftop views, to relinquishing my Cali license, to 2016 and everything in between. 

I let go of stories I narrated to myself that don’t serve me. I let go of the negative ideas and perceptions I held of myself. I thank them for the lessons I’ve learned. I am grateful for everything. I hate the turn of connotation of the word has taken but I will say it. I feel blessed. 

For 2017 I bring in expansion. However that means. I say yes to love, to opprtunity, to life.

I breathe it all in. I expand. 

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Gratitude

There are so many wonderful things to be grateful for. With Thanksgiving this past week it’s a really great reminder to give thanks and have gratitude (especially in lieu of the current state of our country). 
I try to keep daily reminders of gratitude. Sometimes I forget to write them out but never am I not grateful. 

In honor of Thanksgiving and because #lists below are all the things I am grateful for in this moment:

  • Friends and family near and far more specifically… 
  • – my mom. I miss having her around. Especially now with her being in the Philippines she’s so far removed from my life. She has done so much for me. I miss her terribly. Wish I could be around her for the holidays.
  • – my brothers. One in the army and one in the air force. They decided to dedicate themselves to the good of the country and I look up to them for doing so. I also appreciate them so much more and spending time with each of them separately earlier this year has made me closer to them and that means the world to me.
  • – my sister and nephew bear. They came to visit me in New York not too long ago and it wasn’t easy but I needed it. Not being able to see my nephew grow daily and hang out with my sister weekly breaks my heart.
  • – my Bay Area friends. They are so much of me. They are beautiful in every way. They are supportive and loving and incredible. My life is lacking without them. I feel it every day.
  • – the one very special friendship I made in New York. B, you know what you mean to me.  Thank you. 
  • – the friends here I have that get me, love me, accept me through this very weird strange transition in my life. 
  • Taking a risk by moving to New York City. It truly is one of the best cities in the world and the most culturally diverse. I fell in love with this city 9 years ago and held on to the dream that I would one day live here. Dream realized.
  • Having a good job at a great start up company that provides benefits, unlimited paid time off, awesome coworkers, and a bi-weekly paycheck
  • Huxley. 4 and some change later my little pup continues to teach me about responsibility, love, playfulness and companionship
  • My west village apt. Before I set out to New York I envisioned living in this area. 3rd times the charm in in my New York apt search! I’m surrounded by endless amazing restaurants, great subway lines in short walking distance, Washington sq park, dog parks, Hudson River, and great boutiques. My apt is cozy, gets amazing light, has a responsive helpful nice superintendent and an amazing roof deck. I hit the New York apt jackpot
  • Travel travel travel. I’ve had some pretty incredible trips this year and have even more on the horizon. My perspective has broadened because of it and I’ve met some incredible people along the way. Not to mention strengthened existing relationships that were already so dear to me and on top of all that I’ve seen beautiful sights.
  • My health. Things are a little worn down but it just gives me character. I’m healthy and I have a full functioning body. 
  • Pretty things. Flowers, sunsets, architecture, stylish clothes, my west elm mid century dresser. I like pretty things.
  • Everything I learned from coaching. It opened up a new world for me. One for which I will never look at things the same. I realize from it that I have so much to give. That there are people walking around that also have so much to give. It’s a beautiful community. 
  • Choices and opportunities and signs of goodness that continue to show themselves to me. 

I’m so very grateful. There’s so much more that I haven’t listed. One of my best friends is in town this week. I had thanksgiving with a small group of humans and 2 of which are people I’m only starting to get to know. I spent the day happy. It will be one I know I will remember forever…

Lastly, I am thankful for you. Thank you for wishing me love and goodness in my journey. I will never take that for granted. 

Xx

    Wait, what now?

    I can’t believe it’s about to be a new year. The years are flying by faster as I continue to get older. I wish it would stop. There’s just so much I want to do.

    No time for a lengthy post. Just wanted to share the incredulousness…

    Oh, and I cannot, I repeat, CANNOT wait to be home. It’s been a year since I’ve seen family and friends and breathed in the Cali air.

    It’s gonna be fantastic.

    Things I’ve learned

    I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas holiday (if you celebrate Christmas, of course). It’s been nice  to be home home for the holidays but I am a bit eager to be back at home in New York. I miss walking the streets with the cold brisk air hitting my face. Holidays in New York are a magical time and the kid in me squealed with delight over all the pretty lights and holiday decor. I would post pictures but unfortunately I’m having iPhoto library issues that I hope to be resolved next week when I’m back in NYC.

    So for the meantime, since I’ve been a bit introspective (what’s new) I thought I would write about the things I’ve learned.

    I’ve learned a lot in my 32 years of life. Not all have been good lessons or good takeaways.  I’ve also relearned a lot  that still surprises me.  As the end of each year draws to a close I  tend to get all self reflection like. It’s an emotional time for me. Goodbyes are never fun even if it’s just me saying goodbye to a year that has challenged me in ways I didn’t think possible as well as brought me profound joy. This time I will also be saying goodbye to family and friends again in knowing I probably won’t be back for a long while. Also, my father will have passed away 10 years ago come this New Years day. So much has happened within these 10 years that has defined me. Thinking on that alone blows my mind.

    I’m looking back at this year and I’m taking inventory. With that said I don’t plan on making any New Year’s resolutions. Although I love new beginnings, I don’t feel that things that need to be addressed should wait until the start of a new year or a new birthday. Years ago I used to make resolutions but they ended up becoming lists of unfinished business backed by disappointment in myself. Ain’t nobody got time for that. So now I make daily life choices and have a ‘bucket list’ and make sure I cross things off asap.

    Here are some things I’ve learned:

    • People are who they say they are. Believe them when they tell you about themselves. They know themselves best. If someone says this is who they are and this is what they’re capable of don’t push them to be the belief you want them to be. They already told you who they are. Accept that.
    • Closed mouths don’t get fed. Everything is negotiable. Everything. Always ask for what you want and believe you deserve it otherwise you end up coming up short. Only you are the one deciding your worth.
    • No matter what I do in life I will require help from someone else to make it happen so it’s okay to bring people in and ask for help. No man is an island. Something as small as purchasing food that another person cooked or picked in a field to as big as making a life change and asking for support or love or even money or a job. People need people and it’s ok to ask for help. People enjoy feeling needed
    • Money is just money but I  should also be smart and save for a rainy day or in case something crazy comes up. My top priorities are always experiences but if something were to go down I may not have the financial backing to help a situation. I know that when I’m laying on my deathbed I’m going to be thinking back on my life of experience and the journey I had. I’m 100% sure I will not be thinking of how much I have in your account. BUT the caveat is to make sure I’m financially stable and have a backup plan to at least get me through the next 3 months if  I lose my job or my place to live.
    • Tell the people that I love every chance I get that I love and appreciate them. I need to not  just tell them. I aim to make sure they really feel it. Life is not a guarantee and with all the crazy in this world people need to hear see and feel they are loved
    • There is no greater pleasure than giving back to humanity. Volunteer. I feel humbled when I do and I am reminded of human kindness. People need to be reminded
    • The best meal is a home cooked meal shared with friends and loved ones. I long for more of those
    • Only I have complete control over my reactions and can either see the good in a bad experience or continue to be angry
    • When I ‘Act As If’ after a while I start to really begin to believe the act is the reality and poof I’m now what I always wanted to be
    • Experiencing different cultures and ways of life truly opens my mind and makes me more well rounded and allows me to appreciate my own way of life and culture
    • There is no greater life experience than to experience a baby coming into this world. In a single moment you feel such a great feeling of universal power that is so much greater than you’ve ever known and that you have absolutely no control over
    • People appreciate and take notice of what I do and how I live my life so I should live it justly and give back to my community in which ever community I  relate to or want to be a part of. By giving a part of me I become a part of something greater than I ever thought of
    • I don’t always have to say everything I feel or think at all times although what I do say or feel or think always should be authentic and true to who I am
    • I don’t always need to pick up the tab especially when I am struggling financially and others may be in a better situation. It’s not about having good manners and not wanting a fuss and being that person; it’s more about realizing that sometimes you need to put yourself first and be responsible
    • People don’t always have the same values I have. I can’t take it personally when someone reacts or does something that I would never do or don’t believe in. People are different and what they do has nothing to do with me so I shouldn’t take things personally.
    • When you do the necessary work and really self reflect you will begin to bring in the rewards in ways more gratifying than you ever thought possible
    • I need to trust and love myself first before I’m fully able to trust and love anyone else. That includes any relationship, not just the romantic kind
    • You can’t choose your genetic blood family but you can choose family
    • Only buy things you truly love and don’t have to justify
    • Love isn’t enough sometimes and that’s ok
    • Always be passionate; passionate about my dreams, passionate about my life, passionate about love

    Going going back back to Cali Cali….

    Huxley and I are going home to Cali today for the holidays! It’s been another crazy busy month. There’s been some dating, lots of eating, and quite a bit of drinking. I’ve got stories to tell you people and lots of pictures to share.

    But for now I’m finishing my last minute packing. I’m trying to stuff as much laundry as I can into my suitcase so I can do it at my moms. I’m trying to cut as many expenses as I can. This city is so damn expensive it’s ridiculous; it probably hasn’t helped that I’ve been home 3 times since I moved here 5.5 months ago. After this trip it’ll be a long stretch until next time I’ll be home.. Will probably be either sometime in the fall or maybe next holiday season. Only time will tell.

    I’ve packed my calendar for this next week so tight that I’m sure by the end of it I’ll be so ready to come back home to New York City for a ‘breather’.

    The biggest thing I’m excited about?? How Huxley is gonna flip his shit when he sees Grandma. The fact that they get to reunite will be well worth the $200 I’m spending on his roundtrip ticket to Cali. Besides, it’s way cheaper to bring him back to Cali then find him a dog sitter or pet hotel for a week and 2 days.

    Get ready Yay Area, we’re a comin’ home for Christmas!!