Category Archives: Experiences

Settling In

I’m settling in very nicely into the new digs. Every time I walk Huxley I say a humble thank you to the universe that I no longer have to deal with a walk up. Huxley is also very happy here. He loves walking along the canal smelling all the other dogs and getting back to the building after our walk for treats at the reception desk. He has a favorite ‘doorman’ who is a woman named Luz. She always gives him treats and when she’s not there he looks for her behind the desk. He loves her and it makes me happy.

I won’t lie I’m feeling very spoiled here but when there’s stark contrast from what one has previously experienced it’s hard not to feel spoiled on the come up. As long as there’s gratitude there ain’t nothing wrong with the come up right? That was rhetorical obvs.

I have ALL the amenities I could ask for with door(wo)men to boot and a fantastic view I go to sleep to and wake up to. Damn am I  appreciative.

It’s pretty incredible.

The new hood still needs to be explored but I already have a couple spots that are vying to be my #1 favorite. Obviously one being a wine bar. I can’t be too far from a wine bar. It’s imperative to my being. I’m not an alcoholic. I swear.

This is a new way of living for me. I’m enjoying it immensely.

Separately, I’ve been toying with what I want to do with my free time. I’ve researched various volunteer opportunities and I’ve settled on the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. I’m currently in the application stage. I’ve attended the orientation and have had my in depth and very very personal interview.

I was told this process can take up to 9 months. One of the reasons being there is a higher need for male volunteers. Men, if you’re reading this please volunteer if you’re looking for something worthwhile. I’ve had friends involved in this program and they all tell me how rewarding it is. Given the current state of our country we really need these boys to grow into strong individuals who understand the need to lead and have empathy.

I’m very excited and hopeful I will be chosen to be a Big. Send positive thoughts my way. I strongly believe in giving back when and where I can. Usually it’s with financial support but there have been situations I’ve given my time and nothing has felt more amazing.

I’m still in the midst of figuring out what to do career wise. Frankly, I’m a bit tired of the questions around it. But that’s solely because I’m frustrated with myself I don’t have the answers yet. I’m pretty sure I need to just jump into whatever peeks my fancy and eliminate and tweak from there but for some reason I haven’t been able to do so. I’m not sure what the fear is behind it. But I think I’m getting to the point of exasperation and the only thing to do from here is take action.

Sigh. Life. Amirite??

Tomorrow I head East to Long Island to partake in tasting of the wines. I’m really excited. I don’t have any trips planned yet this year. Although it’s intentional, I still need some exciting adventure to satiate my wanderlust.

I’ve realized it’s important for me to have things to look forward to otherwise I get sad. Because I don’t like to be sad, I make sure fun things are on the horizon.

Here’s to fun things and here’s to settling in!


Moving. parts.

So here I am in Fort Greene in Brooklyn and I am at the end of my apt lease. Again. I swear the time just speeds up year after year. Honestly, I wasn’t looking to move this time around but in weighing out the pros and cons most signs pointed to moving. I’ve had roommates for most of my duration in New York minus a year spent on the Upper East Side and it’s been such an adjustment. Because it’s not just having a roommate but having a roommate in a small New York apartment with a shared bathroom.

Obviously, not ideal.
So I took to the streets again to find a new apt. One that was perfect for me. One that I could really make mine and truly be happy and cozy in.
Ring the alarm!
I found a studio apartment that I love. I don’t know too much about the neighborhood but the building is fantastic, the studio is perfect for me and Huxley and the amenities had me mad crushing from the first moment I laid eyes on them. Like I was crushing hard guys.
In Cali I had the amenities and the washer and dryer and the space and all the things. In New York you really choose how you want to spend your money and make sacrifices and compromises on what you truly value.
I’ve spoken to a lot of people about how I’ve moved so much in the short time I’ve been here and a lot of New Yorkers have the same story. It takes a while to figure out what you can and cannot put up with and there are so many variations of that when living here that it’s really just trial and error.
It’s also a fantastic way to become familiar with different neighborhoods. Albeit, a bit cumbersome.
I did a lot of traveling last year (Cuba, Dominican Republic, San Diego, NorCal, Chile/Argentina, Paris, St John USVI) and I feel tremendously grateful I got to do so. Especially in part because I’m working a job that I’m not taking seriously and also because my rent has been the cheapest it’s been this whole time I’ve been in New York.
This year my focus is changing a bit. I’m starting to get serious about finding a new career. I want to strengthen and build upon the relationships I have here that have become important to me. The flip side of that is to let go of relationships that I feel don’t serve me and align with who I am /want to be. That includes culling my social media “friends”. I will become more involved in community volunteering as well as continue to resist and fight the good fight for basic human rights. I want to take a class or two. And lastly I want to have a home that makes me feel good and enables me to make better choices because of the peace it brings me. If that means no more walk ups, paying more for amenities and rent, ditching the roomies etc I am willing to do so.
As always there are a lot of moving parts to being a grown ass person. There are choices given and decisions to be made. I’ve said it before life keeps lifin’. Even if you choose not to participate.
It’s going to be a good year. I feel more motivated. More myself. I know more of who I am which is a great feeling. I’m past the funk and the processing of my feelings and emotions and beliefs and unfulfilled expectations. Now’s the time for action and doing while continuing to process. In this space I am able to be me, do for me, and celebrate me whilst all of that happens.
I’m into this new change if that means that things will settle more in the long run. I feel a bit more grounded so time to start making magic again! Wish me luck!

Present Over Perfect

So I’m reading this amazing book “Present Over Perfect” by Shauna Niequist and it’s really got me thinking. I was drawn to it because lately I’ve been trying to practice and be in the present. It’s always been difficult for me to live in ‘the now’. I tend to live in the future because I’ve always operated from a get shit done mentality. However, when I’m sad or lonely I revert to nostalgia and my past. 

I’m only a quarter through this book and holy shit I feel like a lot of it was written through me. Ok, maybe not the parts when she references being a mother and her kids and husband but damn. 

Here’s the thing… there was some divine intervention that happened in February. I lost my job and was forced to slow down. Slowing down made  sure the ice that we’ll call numbness melted. The ice was the shield of anything that got in the way of me operating at a gazillion miles an hour. With it melting it made me look at what was left underneath the water of the melted thick block of ice. It truly made me take inventory of where I was currently at. So where was I? Let me remind you. I was lost, scared, confused, lonely, sad, grateful, relieved, stressed. I was all those things and then some. My world felt pretty bleak and so so gray.

It’s now about to be September. I’ve felt even more emotions since then if you can believe it. But where I am now.. presently I’m in a place that feels new and true and challenging and beautiful and bright and authentic and right. This is where I need to be. I’m in a place of acceptance and love and openness and growth and curiosity. I’m digging in deep of the crevices of past hurt that I stifled for so long. I’m grieving. And in doing so I’m cultivating new ways of being. What used to serve me no longer serves me. 

I liken it to the metaphor of a snake shedding its skin. I want to rid myself of all this old skin, these parasites (ideas, behaviors, habits) that don’t serve me. It’s a rebirth of sorts. 

I’m really excited to get back to who I really am and who I want to be. I’m finally ready to start loving myself in all my perfect imperfections and I’m so grateful to be able to remake my life from the inside out and unfold all the goodness along the way. 

A life I love

Here’s the thing. People have expectations of you. They want to label and put you in a box because it’s easier to understand you. It’s not coming from a mal-intentioned place. These people may truly love you and want the best for you. But it’s hard when people’s own shit (ie their own insecurities, hopes, dreams, flaws, judgement, expectations of your relationship and self etc) gets in the way of how you want to live authentically to who you know you are.

This is more an elaboration on my last post but I’ve been thinking about this a lot these days. I’m starting to really feel like I’m coming into my own. Meaning; I’m practicing daily the person I know I want to be, I’m choosing who and what I want to do with my precious time, and I’m learning the reason why I am here on this earth so I can truly honor and fulfill my life’s purpose.

That’s it. It’s not easy but surprisingly because it’s in my truth instead of labeling this shit hard it’s now a beautiful challenge that I’m enjoying and has allowed me to be at peace with where I am at in my life at this exact very moment. It’s allowing me to be present and mindful.

This doesn’t mean I don’t have moments lacking self love (which btw is really just another name for insecurity but in a seemingly more compassionate way). Being vulnerable can be tough but it’s fucking courageous. For example, the other day I was having drinks with friends and we were talking about my future plans and where I want to move to next and when it would happen. I have some ambiguity around it which can feel like lack of control. Couple that with feeling misunderstood and not truly being heard got me emotional and all of a sudden I’m in this dark place of not being good enough especially not being good enough to be heard and have a voice. It took me back to the root of the very shit I’m working through; having a voice and using it with the intended motivation of love and understanding and acceptance.

My beautiful friends gave me the space to truly say what I was feeling and I actually told them what I was feeling. They gave me permission to cry and be heard. They shared with me their perspective of the situation that just unfolded. These moments are not easy but these moments mean I’m actively practicing what I want to overcome and allow for me to step into my truth. For that I thanked them. They are my sisters. These are a couple of strong beautiful women who make me better. They truly don’t have an agenda. They don’t judge me or get upset if I don’t fit what they need me to be. That’s love.

Every day I do something for myself that brings me joy. It can be something as small as a longer walk for me and Huxley, wearing a bold colored lipstick, buying a beautiful bouquet at the bodega, eating more veggies instead of crap, or as big as spontaneously booking a trip to The US Virgin Islands, South America or Paris. It can be writing here on this blog. Texting a friend I love them. Giving gratitude daily for my cute apt or my weekly paycheck. It can be seeing friends for dinner or listening to a podcast that’s inspirational. It can be anything as long as it brings me joy.

I’m learning to really love myself. I’ve loved aspects of who I am but fuck if I’ve ever really loved myself truly and completely. I’m working on it. And in doing so I’m creating such a beautiful life I love.

Thank you to those who understand and support me through my changes. If who I am becoming is hard for you to understand or accept I wish you well and want to thank you for being a part of my journey. I know I have learned from you and I will be forever grateful for that but I no longer want to continue making space for what doesn’t serve my truth.

Thank you.


I’ve had a pretty emotionally charged year and there is no sign of it ending anytime soon. I keep being reminded by all the powers that be (ie my coach, my therapist, my friends, the universe…) that I am exactly where I need to be.

Only in the last few weeks have I really felt the comfort in being present. Mind you, I’m still not completely 100% comfortable with ambiguity and not being “there” yet, wherever “there” is. However, I do feel like I am where I need to be. There are things I’m now consciously working on to alter my mindset and the toxic stories I’ve told myself over my lifetime that no longer serve me.

I am now an emotionally equipped adult with the aptitude, the insight, and the wherewithal to make sound moral and healthy choices. I have to tell myself that. I’m not dependent on these stories and beliefs that I learned to survive as a child. I want to be free of these harmful beliefs because I want to be the best version of me. I want more for myself. I know I can be better.


This is huge guys. I’m in a place where I am consciously aware and practicing daily how to negate bad thoughts and bring in positive ones. I’m learning how to trust myself, the process, and the universe.

When I started this year I decided my work was TRUST.

It’s so fitting. I’ve made peace with saying goodbye to friendships that no longer serve me. I had to trust in the fact that I lost my job (for political reasons) so that I could make space for something better. That space has allowed me to really look inside myself and start the real work. I’ve been ‘working’ for years on myself. But this shit I’m currently working on is deep. It’s digging through my soul’s crevices and dark corners to bring shit to light I’ve tried so hard to suppress and ignore.

Looks like you can’t really get over anything until you really get into it and fucking feel it. Huh. Imagine that.

When I become present I see the magnificence in it all and I feel more connected. Not just internally. When I say connected I mean connected to the world. To life. To everything that’s bigger than me and us.

I am exactly where I need to be.

With all that I am learning I’m also trying to prioritize myself. That means listening to what I really need. I’ve historically been the doer and the over-extender. The one that made other people feel special to show them the magnitude of how much i really love them. A part of me feels that in doing all these things I will get love in return.

The fact is. People will love me if they want to and it’s completely out of my control.

It’s been exhausting. I kept waiting for my turn while still over extending. It doesn’t usually come and that’s ok. Because frankly, this was my shit. People love me in the way they know how. And if I’m going to be honest I have a lot of love in my life. I choose to act in ways I thought I had to for love.

Looks like I have other choices.

I’m going to put my Self  first. I want to give myself all the love I give out. I know that this will be uncomfortable for a lot of people. For example: when one decides that a friendship doesn’t serve them anymore people will have thoughts and feelings behind it. That’s ok. If these people with these sentiments love you they will respect your decision even if it changes dynamics and status quo.  Ask me if you need more examples. I have them.

It’s tough to feel like I’ve disappointed others. I’m working through this whole ‘prioritizing myself’ thing and all the super charged feelings and reactions I have to things.

Just know that by being a better me I will be a better friend, better sister, better partner, better worker. Trust.


3 year love affair

New York and I are celebrating our 3 year anniversary today. It’s been an amazing 3 years with so many incredible ups and a fair share of downs. We’re still learning each other me and New York. But wow, what an amazing time we’ve had.

Because #lists here are a few highlights…

Awesome New York’y things I’ve done:

  • Opera at the Met
  • Watch the balloons for the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade be blown up
  • Watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
  • Karaoke in K-town
  • Dumplings in Chinatown
  • See the Rockettes holiday spectacular during Christmastime
  • Philharmonic in Central Park
  • Watch the SF Giants play the Mets at Citifield
  • Yankees Games
  • Islanders vs Rangers at Barclays
  • Picnics in Central Park
  • Summer Movies in Bryant Park and along the Hudson
  • Staten Island Ferry
  • Dance on a float for the PRIDE march
  • Attend Protests in honor of democracy, equality, and morality
  • Walk the entire length of Summer Street
  • Cheer on friends run the New York City Marathon
  • Eat at incredible restaurants
  • Live in 3 neighborhoods in Manhattan and now 1 in Brooklyn
  • Eat at Smorgasburg
  • Amazing shows on Broadway (Jersey Boys, Lion King, Curious Incident of a Dog In the Nighttime, The Humans, Kinky Boots, Les Mis, Aladdin, On Your Feet, A Bronx Tale)
  • Shit shows on Broadway (School of Rock, Oh Hello, Fully Committed…)
  • Attend more shows/performances off broadway – Hasan Minhaj’s ‘Homecoming King’ was a big one to highlight, Opus Cactus by MOMIX was another
  • Go to comedy clubs and have a star make a guest appearance (Jim Gaffigan at New York Comedy Club)
  • Go to the Sakura Matsuri cherry blossom festival at the Botanical Garden
  • Live jazz at jazz clubs in the village
  • Montauk
  • The Hamptons
  • Random street fairs

Awesome New York’y things I’ve still to do:

  • Endless list of eats
  • Billy Joel at MSG
  • Helicopter over the city
  • Shakespeare in the Park
  • Walk around the Cloisters
  • Picnic on Governors Island
  • Attend a live taping of a show
  • Watch a movie at IFC, Paris Theatre, Nitehawk, Foreign Film Art house Cinema
  • Transit Museum
  • Upright Citizen’s Brigade
  • Bushwick Graffiti walking tour
  • Sunset drinks on the Met rooftop
  • Check out St John the Divine Cathedral
  • Double decker bus tour
  • Manhattanhenge
  • 9/11 Museum
  • High tea at the Plaza
  • Rolffs for drinks at Christmastime
  • Watch the tree lighting ceremony at Rockefeller Center
  • Ice Skating in Central or Bryant Park
  • More amazing broadway shows (Dear Evan Hansen, Hamilton, Beautiful, Miss Saigon…)

In addition to the above so many amazing things that have happened since I’ve lived here. Too many to list out for now. But trust me I am grateful and loved.

Tonight in honor of me and New York I’m having a dinner with a handful of my favorites then hitting a rooftop bar. I’m toasting this beautiful relationship I have with this incredible city. It brings me joy to celebrate so that is exactly what will be happening.

Thank you for enriching my life and helping me grow New York. I love you.

Passing through the funk

The last couple months, give or take, I’ve not been myself. Or rather I’ve not operated the way in which I’ve operated let’s say the last 8 ish or so years. I lost a job that I wasn’t happy at and although I’ve been sending out requests to the Universe to help me break away from the organization I didn’t expect it to happen at the time it did and the way in which it did.

Funny how that works.

You put out your desires and it always comes back. The Universe may not answer your requests in the way that you predicted but it certainly responds.

To be fair it’s not to say I wasn’t grateful it happened.  To paint a picture I’ve got a metaphor. Those are always good to help visualize the situation.

Let’s say I was a pinata hanging off a tree in a pretty park. Getting fired was the last crack of the bat swung by the Universe that hit the pinata and now there lay all my life’s contents on the floor along with my cracked and broken pinata shell. What do I see you ask? Right here’s a reminder that I have a credit card bill coming up. Oh look, there’s a ‘go-get-’em-tiger’ well wishes card the Universe left me. Oh what’s that sharp ugly thing? Oh that’s my pride. And there, there are the dreams I have for my future career. And look, right here, I see my savings. Aww, there’s a picture of all the people that love me. Oh, here’s the shit I didn’t want to deal with but now how to face; fear. Somewhere in there is opportunity but it seems to be hidden underneath all these fun sized rainbow colored emotions.

Sensory overload and I didn’t know which to pick up and open first.

To further play on the metaphor I was being greedy and tried to open them all at once. As if one could stomach all that at once right?

So not right.

In turn what ended up happening was a magnificent sense of feeling overwhelmed and lost and frankly, sad.

I was navigating through the shock of being fired. The relief I no longer had to work for a boss I couldn’t respect and an organization I was checked out of. The gratitude directed to the Universe that it heard my plea. The confusion of not knowing what I wanted to do next but knowing I wanted to do it (whatever it was). The anxiety of no longer having that “stability” (i.e. healthcare benefits, monthly metro card, bi-weekly paycheck, unlimited PTO etc) and having to figure out logistics of living. The loneliness of not having my core supporters enveloping me in a big empathetic hug.

It’s been a tough couple of months. I spiraled. To be fair I also had bouts of good and motivation but it was really more of the I don’t need to shower it’s not like I have fun plans I am going to lay in bed and binge watch whatever I want while eating mass amount of Trader Joe’s chicken tacos with melted cheese on top and not think about how I have to let Huxley out to do his business at the minimum of 3x a day and run the risk of seeing my neighbors variety.

I tried to come out on top numerous times and to be honest I was getting pretty angry at myself. I was mad I felt some of these things when this was my clean break. Feeling lost and overwhelmed felt like I was lacking control. And that’s always been hard for me. The not having to control since most of my upbringing I was controled.

But I realize sometimes that simply a funk is a funk and a person may need to be funky.

It’s important to grieve. In this case I was grieving a job I took pride in and worked my ass off at. I was also grieving this career I made for myself over the course of 10 years. I was grieving a dream I envisioned and fulfilled in moving and living in New York. I was grieving for a part of me I was struggling to let go.

All the while procrastinating..

Procrastination is such a bitch. Seriously, it’s the worst.

Tell me why it’s so easy to procrastinate a dream, a goal, a desire? It shouldn’t be but alas here it was. Procrastination staring at me in the face and it was ugly and whispered very sinister things at me.

I had all these ideals that I couldn’t move forward unless I knew exactly what I was going to do career wise. I wanted to go from 0 to 60. It was just like me to turn my head to all the gray area.

I was feeling that if I wasn’t there (there being a insert job title here in this awesome new career at a fantastic non profit living a fulfilling meaningful life) immediately then I would be a failure.

Ok, unrealistic expectations much?

It’s a lot right? Yeah I put a lot of pressure on myself. And when I didn’t meet the pressures I was even harder on myself.

Cue back to I don’t need to shower it’s not like I have fun plans I am going to lay in bed and binge watch whatever I want while eating mass amount of Trader Joe’s chicken tacos with melted cheese on top and not think about how I have to let Huxley out to do his business at the minimum of 3x a day and run the risk of seeing my neighbors.


I feel like I’m at a turning point. Yay. I’m starting to feel more like myself. It’s a very welcomed feeling.

Here’s to uncovering the clues for beautiful opportunities!