About time

So I’ve never really put myself first. The first time I ever really truly put myself first was when I decided to move to New York. And let’s be real, I upset a lot of people. I was living with my cousin at the time and I had to break the lease. He was pissed at me. My friends and family didn’t understand why I had to move instead of staying in our comfortable Bay Area suburban bubble. They were kinda pissed with me. My best friend was pregnant and I didn’t stay until her baby was born. She was pissed at me.

Thing is, I’ve always lived my life according to other people’s validation, approval, and acceptance.

New York was the first time in my life that I stood for me. I was erect in my belief that this was not just what I truly longed and desired for but I know it was something that would catapult me into something bigger than the life I had led.

So. Here is is.. yes I feel the life that I led wasn’t big enough for me. Please don’t get it twisted. I’m not saying I was better than the life I had. I am saying that it no longer satiated me. I couldn’t quell the voices that were so loud and so clear in my head telling me to leave and do more. Should I have ignored them I really believe that I would have lived a fine life. I would’ve been complacent as I continued to mature and develop in character. I would’ve ignored the nagging in my own heart and mind. I would’ve traveled maybe once or twice a year. I probably would’ve met someone and settled down and moved to the South South Bay or out East and bought a house I responsibly could afford and had a beautiful family.

That’s not who I wanted to be or what I wanted in my life.

Again, I’m not saying it’s wrong or am I putting it down or think I’m better than. It just wasn’t for me at the time nor at the present moment. There is no judgment.

The last few years I have made such a concerted effort to be true to who I am. To at the end of the day know that I’ve done the best with what resources and tools I have.

Here’s the thing. That decision to put myself first genuinely catapulted an actionable behavior change in me. Since then I’ve been trying to hold true to who I am and what I want and need to light my soul on fire.

I always thought that to be loved and to heard and accepted I had to constantly make others happy. If I’m being honest, also parallel to that, I pushed away the people that made me a priority and took my own happiness and love in a high regard. Those happened to be most, if not all, of the important romantic loves of my life.

Anyways. Another time and place for that.

So I put others first. Ok, you need me to drive to whatever function so you can drink and be carefree or not put miles on your car? No problem. It’s my birthday? No worries, I got this. I’ll still drive. I’m a good drunk driver. Oh, the bill is short for a group of how ever many? I mean, I already covered my tab and an additional 20% but this poor server only makes minimum wage and has to deal with assholes while being on their feet all damn day.  That would suck if they don’t get a good tip. I don’t mind hosting your baby shower, wedding shower, engagement/bridal shower, birthday, holiday party, whatever and put in the effort to decorate by doing things like cool diaper cakes I googled on YouTube because I know it’ll make you happy. And I want you to know that I truly want to celebrate this big momentous occasion in your life.  Also, it’s the holidays I want to make things special. I like being surrounded by people I love. I should definitely plan a get together where we can all encourage and celebrate each other and just give thanks to our sisterhood. I’ll make sure to take it on and make it a tradition every year so everyone knows how special I think they are. I would love to have a regular get together I should probably host brunch every Sunday but not ask anyone to contribute by bringing food, helping cook or clean because it’s my idea and I don’t want to put any one off…..

I don’t want to sound like an asshole here. These were all choices I made. And I made them happily. I loved doing things for people. I loved knowing that I did that. I made you smile. I made you feel cherished. Now you know you’re special and I think you’re worth it. I see you. I love you. I wouldn’t take any of it back.

All I’m saying is that now I am learning to do for me. I’m choosing how to spend my time. I’m saying no to things that 1. Doesn’t feel right or 2. I don’t want to do.

Imagine that.

Liberation. Freedom of choice. Empowerment of putting myself first.

Not everyone will be on board. I’m sure I will piss a lot of people off. That’s usually the case when your needs don’t align with others’ convenience. Hah. Thing is, I used to care. I find myself caring less about what others approve of these days and more about what serves me.

Funny thing about all of this? I’m liking myself more and more every day. There may be some casualties along the way. Oops. Not my intention! I just want you to know if you find yourself on that end is that I have no ill will or mal intentions. Im just finally putting myself first because honestly, if I don’t no one else will and it feels fucking good. So, I’m sorry you feel hurt but thank you for being a part of the process.

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