Those things called feelings

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. It’s mainly because I haven’t set time for myself to do the things I want to do. But it’s also because I’ve been so caught up in work. My work days are long. I get in anytime from 8:30 – 9:15, work through lunch at my desk, and leave anytime from 6:30-8PM. Some nights after work I have clients. Those days are extra long.

I haven’t been able to find a balance between work and my coaching certification program and it’s bumming me out. This program costs a lot of money and has provided me such value in so many ways. It’s changed my perceptions on a lot of things. I’m sad I’m not able to give it the attention it deserves especially because it’s so important to me.

I’ve been a bit out of sorts the last couple of months. I”m struggling to find balance and feel grounded while dealing with the loneliness that has crept up out of the woodworks. I had to cancel a trip to go to Tahoe for a wedding that was planned the end of this month. Durring that trip I was going to layover in the Bay and visit with my people. Although it wasn’t the impetus for feeling lonely it was the impetus for being homesick and hasn’t helped. I haven’t seen my friends and family since last Christmas. This is the longest I’ve been without them.

I’m realizing New York is a tough place to build solid connections. I’m realizing the type of friendship some of the people I was close to can offer to me is not one that satiates my needs. It’s not the same kind of friendship I give. So, I’m reevaluating some things. It’s neither right nor wrong. It’s just reality and it’s unfortunate. But in that conviction there’s strength in setting boundaries. Silver linings.

People here are focused on making it, whatever that means to them. Because the sole focus is self serving it’s difficult for real empathy or depth.

It’s strange and not directly tied to competition but I do think there is a correlation. Because of the self serving factor the competition here in New York is one of a different kind. It’s not comparing yourself to Joe Shmoe or keeping up with the Jones’. It’s more of an undertone that is self imposed. Since the focus is primarily on getting ahead and ‘resume building’ there’s no time for human connection. To build relationships with real substance I truly believe one needs to possess empathy and self awareness.

Maybe the struggle of self awareness and empathy in a city so big are the determining factors in a balanced life here in New York. If you can make it here you can make it anywhere. How many times have you or I heard that saying? New York City is like a jealous lover continuously testing to see how far it can push you to the edge. It’s temperamental. Sending you so many good omens one day causing everything to feel seamless. The next day it’s making you feel like the ground is shaking from under your feet knocking you down while taunting you to get back up again.

That electric buzz that this city pulsates is feeling more to me like a burning energy to keep pushing. Everyone seems to be creating the same type of energy and in someway it manifests itself as New York City’s vibrancy.

I’ve bore witness to how people approach relationships and it seems to be very surface level. There are a lot of brilliant entrepreneurial people with crazy grit in the start up world. It’s why I enjoy being in this space so much. I love to feel like I’m part of the movement. As if I were invited to the party exclusively.

Yet, somehow along the way I’ve lost my footing and I don’t quite feel like I belong.

There’s a lot surrounding that.

I’ve been battling feelings of ineptitude and anxiety. In coaching we use the term saboteur a lot. It means one’s self sabotaging inner voice; the inner critic, if you will. My saboteurs have been working overtime ever since I started this job. I have such a strong need to persevere and feel accomplished. I don’t know what I’m trying to prove to myself but the idea of it is looming over me. I realize I’m the hardest on myself. I don’t always champion myself when I need it the most.

Isn’t it funny how that works. I have a great sense of pride in what obstacles I’ve personally had to overcome yet sometimes I just don’t feel like I’m good enough. It’s absurd. I’m narrating a story to myself that I’m giving truth to where there is none.

I wanted to share with you all where my head is at. Apologies, if this post is scattered or hard to follow. Things aren’t always easy. I’m in a pretty deep funk at the moment. I needed to write. When you get things out of your head they don’t seem as weighty anymore. This is why writing is such a great release.

Life ebbs and flows. But the one thing about change is that it’s always constant. So although I may feel this way right now I can change my perspective tomorrow. One thing that will forever remain are my feelings of gratitude. I continue to make choices for myself. Not everyone gets the privilege nor the right to do so.

I’m taking love, good vibes, and virtual hugs. They’re not for nought. When you send them I feel them. And should any of you be so inclined to visit or want to grab a drink and meet to build I would be more than happy to do so. There’s something really beautiful about human connection and building.

Thank you.

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