Monthly Archives: September 2015

The 1950’s

**Full disclaimer: I am sorry but I am not in the mindset to proofread and edit so here is some raw material. Don’t judge me. But if you do, keep it to yourself. šŸ™‚

You guys, I had a flashback earlier to when I was in the 5th grade. It could’ve possibly been in the 4th grade (i’m quite certain it was the 5th) but in this circumstance it’s all one in the same. I remembered having to do a report on a genre or decade of time. I don’t remember how we chose what we chose or if there was any significance to it but I had the 1950s. Again, my memory isn’t serving me specifically but you get the gist.

Somehow, I think of the 50s nostalgically. I haven’t lived through the 50s so I don’t have much authoritative knowledge on the topic but it was somehow a decade of meaning.

I grew up listening to Frank Sinatra, Bobby Darin, Rosemary Clooney, Dean Martin, Johnny Mathis and the like. I thought sock hops were the coolest thing and that hula hoop, how awesome was it to hula hoop? I think of those cul-de-sacs and how every home must’ve looked like the ‘Brady’ residence. And how everyone wanted a mother like June Cleaver who baked pies and shook her head at her kid’s antics laughing them off but loving them all the same. How Disneyland was a huge deal and the war was becoming a thing of the past. How Ford was revolutionizing transportation. How there were roller skating waitresses at carhops serving milkshakes.

How does this not all sound like a time you wanted to be a part of?

Anyways, I remember how big of a deal this homework was. There was research involved. I had to go to the library and legit scan through books and quote things. I had to submit notes that cited evidence. I had to really understand what it was I was reporting on.

I remember this being the first real project that took significant effort. I remember I chose the 1950s. I know somewhere alone the way there was some sort of consensus that took place. Maybe this project was a team collaboration and we respectively had our own assignments. I do remember knowing I wanted this decade. This era was mine because in some unexplainable way it was important to me.

What I also know is that tonight I was having drinks with a couple of co-workers and I found myself in the “washroom”. And in it there were posted clippings of presidents’ past. And out of no where I remembered this time in my life that I never thought to be significant. This time when I had to do a report on the 1950s. But this time that slapped me in the face out of no where while I was washing my hands in 2015 reminded me of a previous life.

It made me sad you guys. Really.

How can at such a formative stage in my life of me doing something I haven’t thought of in years and years and probably more years affect me so hard? And how could something that was a project that was soo hunge then feel so small now? It probably holds the same weight that a work presentation would have currently but thinking back it feels so far removed.

It was something I vividly remember being so important to me. It was something I really wanted to work hard on to showcase my effort and be proud of. Here I am, so many years later, it reminds me of a time that was so simpleĀ yet was so significant to a period of learning and growth. It was formative and it is important to notate.

I don’t Ā know if I know exactly why I feel the need to share this except for the mere fact that things hold weight. That memory will surprise you. That your life has moments of importance that you may not realize at the time but will most likely reveal itself later. That you should hold things dear to your heart. That a lot of things don’t change (I still have a deep penchant for Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Sammy Davis Jr, sock hops, The Brady Bunch, Disneyland etc). That even if things are sad because the moment is gone the meaning still hold value. That I still love to gather things and make 1 big thing out of lots of smaller little things.

Tonight and this memory was just another reason for gratitude. I am sad because I am nostalgic yet I am satisfied because I am blessed.

Good night.

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Those things called feelings

It’s been a while since I’ve posted.Ā It’s mainly because I haven’t set time for myself to do the things I want to do. But it’s also because I’ve been so caught up in work. My work days are long. I get in anytime from 8:30 – 9:15, work through lunch at my desk, and leave anytime from 6:30-8PM. Some nights after work I have clients. Those days are extra long.

I haven’t been able to find a balance between work and my coaching certification program and it’s bumming me out. This program costs a lot of money and has provided me such value in so many ways. It’sĀ changed my perceptions on a lot of things. I’m sad I’m not able to give it the attention it deserves especially because it’s so important to me.

I’ve been a bit out of sorts the last couple of months. I”m struggling to findĀ balance and feel grounded while dealing with the loneliness that has crept up out of the woodworks. I had to cancel a trip to go to Tahoe for a wedding that was planned the end of this month. Durring that trip I was going to layover in the Bay and visit with my people. Although it wasn’t the impetus for feeling lonely it was the impetus for being homesick and hasn’t helped. I haven’t seen my friends and family since last Christmas. This is the longest I’ve been without them.

I’m realizing New York is a tough place to build solid connections. I’m realizing the type of friendship some of the people I was close to can offer to me is not one that satiates my needs. It’s not the same kind of friendship I give. So, I’m reevaluating some things. It’s neither right nor wrong. It’s just reality and it’s unfortunate. But in that conviction there’s strength in setting boundaries. Silver linings.

People here are focused on making it, whatever that means to them.Ā Because the sole focus is self serving it’s difficult for real empathy or depth.

It’s strange and not directly tied to competition but I do think there is a correlation. Because of the self serving factor the competition here in New York is one of a different kind. It’s not comparing yourself to Joe Shmoe or keeping up with the Jones’. It’s more of an undertone that is self imposed. Since the focus is primarily on getting ahead and ‘resume building’ there’s no time for human connection. To build relationships with real substance I truly believe one needs to possess empathy and self awareness.

Maybe the struggle of self awareness and empathy in a city so big are the determining factors in a balanced life here in New York.Ā If you can make it here you can make it anywhere. How many times have you or I heard that saying?Ā New York City is like a jealous lover continuously testing to see how far it can push you to the edge. It’s temperamental. Sending you so many good omens one day causing everything to feelĀ seamless. The next day it’s making you feel like the ground is shaking from under your feet knocking you down while taunting you to get back up again.

That electric buzz that this city pulsates is feeling more to me like a burning energy to keep pushing. Everyone seems to be creating the same type of energy and in someway it manifests itself as New York City’s vibrancy.

I’ve bore witness to how people approach relationships and it seems to be very surface level. There are a lot of brilliant entrepreneurial people with crazy grit in the start up world. It’s why I enjoy being in this space so much. I love to feel like I’m part of the movement. As if I were invited to the party exclusively.

Yet, somehow along the way I’ve lost my footing and I don’t quite feel like I belong.

There’s a lot surrounding that.

I’ve been battling feelings of ineptitude and anxiety. In coaching we use the term saboteur a lot. It means one’s self sabotaging inner voice; the inner critic, if you will. My saboteurs have been working overtime ever since I started this job. I have such a strong need to persevere and feel accomplished. I don’t know what I’m trying to prove to myself but the idea of it is looming over me.Ā I realizeĀ I’m the hardest on myself. I don’t always champion myself when I need it the most.

Isn’t it funny how that works. I have a great sense of pride in what obstacles I’ve personally had to overcome yet sometimes I just don’t feel like I’m good enough. It’s absurd. I’m narrating a story to myself that I’m giving truth to where there is none.

I wanted to share with you all where my head is at. Apologies, if this post is scattered or hard to follow. Things aren’t always easy. I’m in a pretty deep funk at the moment. I needed to write. When you get things out of your head they don’t seem as weighty anymore. This is why writing is such a great release.

Life ebbs and flows. But the one thing about change is that it’s always constant. So although I may feel this way right now I can change my perspective tomorrow. One thing that will forever remain are my feelings ofĀ gratitude. I continue to make choices for myself. Not everyone gets the privilege nor the right to do so.

I’m taking love, good vibes, and virtual hugs. They’re not for nought. When you send them I feel them. And should any of you be so inclined to visit or want to grab a drink and meet to build I would be more than happy to do so. There’s something really beautiful about human connection and building.

Thank you.