“When spring came, even the false spring, there were no problems except where to be happiest. The only thing that could spoil a day was people and if you could keep from making engagements, each day had no limits. People were always the limiters of happiness except for the very few that were as good as spring itself.”
― Ernest Hemingway
The seasons here change so abruptly. One minute it was blizzarding and cold as hell then all of a sudden the ice and snow and slush has melted and spring has started to show it’s pretty self. I find myself wearing less layers of clothing or at least clothing that isn’t as thick.
I’ve actually really enjoyed the winter. Seeing all the snow in the parks made it feel like I was stepping into Narnia every time. It was magical and really resonated in my soul. Supposedly this year was a colder winter than last. Yes, there were days where the wind bitch slapped my face so hard it left imprints for hours but I didn’t mind it too much. Maybe it was the new New Yorker naivete. But this Cali girl is happy to say I have a true New York winter under my belt.
So with the new season comes new changes.
I feel like ever since I truly “woke up” my life has been a constant influx of change. By ‘waking up’ I mean since I truly became cognizant of the person I was and wanted to be. This feeling of aliveness probably started festering in me about 4 ish years ago. In past posts I’ve talked about the transformation I’ve had and the journey I’ve been on personally.
I’m no stranger to change and acceptance. Over 8 months ago I stepped foot on New York City soil as a resident and not a visitor. So much has happened since to further define who I want to be and what I realize about myself.
It’s quite crazy actually how much change I’ve put myself through and only when I allow myself to pause and process do I realize how much it all sums up to.
This leads me to March. It has been such a challenge. In fact it’s been a bit of a mother fucker.
In all honestly, it’s been hard as shit for me to navigate. I’ve had panic attacks that have felt like min heart attacks as well as a breakdown rivaling my first NYC breakdown almost a month ago now; I think. It’s hard to keep track of time in a city that’s constantly moving at a pace that’s a struggle to keep up with. It was equipped with me falling to the floor in such deep despair sobbing uncontrollably borderline hyperventilating ignoring the noise that was my phone and my supposed lifeline.
It felt like I was swimming in such massive shit and I couldn’t breath. I was overwhelmed and completely engulfed in something so much greater than I could control. My first NYC breakdown? Yeah, that was peanuts compared to this shit. This shit was rough.
Maybe it was months or years of not being able to process and just jumping into things wholeheartedly that brought me to this state of mind. Maybe it was because of all the moving factors in my life at the moment. I’m seeing a guy who I have developed really deep feelings for who I’m not sure is the one for me. I’m working at a job that I don’t want to stay at but where I’m vying for a full time position because right now it is the option that makes most sense. I’m trying to brand myself in my coaching practice and truly start a business. My roomie and I decided that it was time we went our separate ways although we love each other and enjoy living together. I started the process of getting an apartment but it is the most difficult process I’ve ever dealt with. (Sidenote: I really wish people who didn’t live in New York City understood how harrowing an ordeal it is. There are so many hurdles to jump through with paperwork and guarantors and signing your soul away to the devil himself. Shit, jumping of a cliff 20 stories high was far easier than me trying to get an apt in NYC). On top of all that I find myself in so much debt. And a trip to Africa is on the horizon that I have yet to do anything for (ie get vaccinations, get a travel visa, finish fundraising or come up with the rest of the money etc).
So here I find myself; right in the thick of some overwhelming life shit and sometimes it feels really lonely; other times I feel like the support I do have can carry me through anything. I am, as always, grateful and humbled to be in the position I am in but I appreciate your support and love and any other help you want to send my way. Only in the recent years have I been asking for help and sometimes it really kicks me in the ass and brings up tough shit and other times it surprises me and makes me feel like my heart is full and my world is right. More of the latter please, thanks.