Me

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Only in the recent few years have I begun to define who I am.  I think it’s only because in the last few years have I come to understand what has helped shape me by circumstance and what has helped shape me by personal choice. What has helped me accept and love who I’ve become is being able to differentiate the two.

I’m a younger looking 32. At least I like to think so and feel validation when asked to see my id.

I moved to NYC a little over 7 months ago and am recently realizing what a huge deal that was.

I am honest to a fault but have learned tact and am practicing holding back all my truth because not everyone wants to hear it.

I sometimes eat my feelings. I can’t decide if that’s an excuse or not becuase I love food that much. I have an extreme weakness for anything cheesy or carb loaded or fried or even better all three at once.

I love adventure but sometimes feel hindered by my lack of staying in shape and the fact that I can’t swim. As in I have the urge to jump off a cliff into the ocean but it’s probably not safe since I can’t swim. Or I would love to climb a mountain but not sure if my lung capacity can handle that.

I’m all belly but I mask it well because I know the types of clothes that accentuate what they need to.

I love reading but I love language even more. The words dance together and it’s beautiful. My father instilled in me the habit to look up a word immediately if I didn’t know the meaning and doing that has and continues to enrich my vocabulary.

I fall in love a million times a day. If I see a beautiful sunrise. An adorable child on the subway. A hot man with pretty eyes locking his pretty with me for just a sec. When the kind man distributing the metro paper tells me on the way to work to have a wonderful day. When I’m rockin a hot outfit. When I come home to Huxley and he’s so happy to see me as if I changed his whole day around and the world is right again. When a stranger smiles back at me. When it’s snowing. When a boy in his stroller is making crash noises with his toy cars on the subway. When my trains run seamlessly and on time. When I get a text and it’s a picture of my nephew bear. Each time I realize I actually live in New York City. When I think that for the first time ever in June I will get to visit the African continent. When I ate that bomb ass egg and cheese on croissant…

I’m a sucker in love.

Hopeless? I don’t think so. Romantic? Beyond comprehension.

I worry sometimes I won’t have all the time to do all i want to do in this life. But that kind of pressure pushes me to want and do more.

These are all sums of me. They do not define me. They are a part of what makes me me. What truly defines me are my values and my character and the way I show up in life everyday.

How I showed up yesterday wasn’t pretty.

I had a bit of a breakdown last night. My first New York City breakdown. I had to drop $500 at the vet because the pup has been throwing up almost every day for a couple weeks. I’ve been stressing hard about finances and stability lately and with a shit day at work and worrying about Hux and a million other things I walked away from the vet feeling utterly defeated. 

I dropped Huxley off at home and took my sorry ass to the wine store to get a bottle to drown my sorrows. Yes, I did. Go ahead and judge.

It felt like someone was ripping through my soul.

I came home but before I poured a heavy glass I fought tooth and nail with the couch cover that shrank from my dry cleaning it due to Huxley’s throw up. A couch cover that has somewhat become a point of contention for me and my roommate. (Another story for another time). That shit stressed me out even harder and I hurt my hand in the process and had to call into one of my lifelines.

That shit? That damn couch shit? That was ‘the straw that broke the camels back’.

I broke down. BROKE. DOWN.

My roommate came home to me on the misshapen covered couch looking sad and dejected in the midst of fat sobs holding a big bertha glass of wine with the lights low and Sinatra playing on pandora.

I felt thoroughly confused that I was in this place of such heavy uneasy anxious defeated magnitude. I have been doing everything right and I felt the universe was scoffing at me.

Bitch.

I really lost myself for a bit there. Shit became so overwhelming and escalated so quickly.

Hello New York City break down. Welcome to my life.

I was rest assured from the roomie that everyone needs this shit from time to time and that almost 8 months in I was really late to the game. That made me feel slightly better.

Then just as quick as it came, it went. I spent the rest of my night face timing with a guy that I am having all sorts of feelings for. A guy I don’t even really know but feel like I do. A guy I think I want in my life. Whoah nelly. Hold up.

Here I go falling in love for the millionth and 1 time..

So there you have it.

These are all parts of me. Bits and pieces. I feel with all of my heart when I feel things and immerse myself in moments but then moments pass and there are new moments.

But here I am showing up in life and living. If you need to define me, there you have it. Take what you need and leave the rest.

 

 

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