I just struggled for a few minutes to come up with a word to define what the current stage is that I’m experiencing in my life.
I’m well into Phase 3 of my New York move. There’s a rhythm and a pace that I’ve fallen into. I’ve been at my job for a few months now. I’m deepening and building relationships with those I’m choosing are worthy of my love and energy. I’m dating (I’m defining ‘dating’ very loosely btw). I’ve decided my next career move happily and on my own and am taking steps to get to where I need to be. I’ve bought expensive clothes to help sustain me through the crazy impending winter and have already experience snow for the first time as a resident. I know how the subway system works and am no longer intimidated by it but now frustrated by certain aspects of it. I have opinions on where I want to get my bagel and how not all new york pizza is good pizza.
I have a life here.
Albeit, it’s a very different life from the one I had in the Bay. My days spent in the bay were one of complacency. I am realizing that now. I was living to live only because I was living. If that makes any sense to you. In my head it makes perfect sense. To help clarify, I mean that I was just living. I wasn’t living. I wasn’t challenging myself daily. I was yearning for something out there to help me feel more alive but I wasn’t going after it. The only times I felt alive was when I was planning for a trip or on a trip away from the Bay.
The last time I was in New York City as a visitor in May I decided that I was going to move here. In doing so, I 100% committed to a new life of discovery.
The meaning of Discovery: the act or process of sighting or learning the existence of something for the first time
Keep in mind that discovery is all encompassing. It entails analysis, changed perception, awareness, disclosure, creating, learning, sensing, revealing etc. There’s so much to ‘discovery’.
Yesterday it was my 5 monthversary (sidenote: Can people PLEASE stop saying anniversary when counting months?! Anni means year. It’s not an anniversary if it’s been a month. I’m sorry to be an asshole but I’m calling you out. Please stop or start calling it a monthversary. That is a more accurate term even though it’s a made up word. Feel free to use it. I like to share. I digress..) of me being a resident of this wonderful city. I have a life here that people back home can’t necessary relate to only because they have not seen me in it. Not that they don’t want to but that it’s far removed from their life and their every day.
The every day doesn’t just mean the happenings and the actions but I’m talking about also the observations. The thought process. My mentality has shifted here. I’m realizing now that it’s happening subtly.
Only now have I been pausing to absorb.
I am that person that gets completely thrown in a whirlwind of excitement and passion. I dive headfirst once I come to a decision. I don’t look back. Once I decided to move to New York I never once hesitated in doing so. I was completely over taken by the whole idea of it. I started to strategize on how I would do it. I talked to people. I set the tone. I sold all my shit. I bought a one way ticket for me and Huxley. I celebrated with friends. I never doubted my decision. It wasn’t hard for me. It truly wasn’t.
Sometimes I think that people have this unnecessary inner dialogue with themselves and it’s all fueled by fear. People told me later they didn’t believe I would do it. I don’t understand that. I told people my plan and they didn’t believe me. Again, that goes back to me feeling like I’m not heard and don’t have a voice. But I ignored those comments. That doubt had nothing to do with my own ability. I trust myself enough to make a decision and stick to it because only I know what I need.
I decided within the last couple of years I wasn’t going to have those conversations anymore and let this voice of fear run my life. So when I jump I jump in head and heart and with all of me. (You can use that literally and figuratively as I’ve jumped out of a plane, and off a cliff as well as into my new New York life).
This brings me back to my current state of mind. I’m now slowing down into my life. Not IN my life am I slowing down but INTO. I’m not racing to establish a home. I have an apt with a roommate I love. I’m not racing to find a job to pay my bills and afford me a fun lifestyle. I get a regular paycheck and have a job that is providing a means to a new end that’s in the works. I’m not trying to figure things out anymore. I’ve made choices and have plans and am talking all the right steps to a future I envision for myself.
I am on pause. I’m reflecting and absorbing all that I’ve done in such a short amount of time physically and emotionally. I honestly don’t know how just now I’m thinking that wow, I fucking live here in NYC. I have a life here. A legit life. I’ve been homesick only twice since I’ve moved. And I attribute that to lack of space in the city and pms. How is it that it’s been so easy for me to dive in and not look back? How is it that I don’t miss my old life like I feel I should? How is it that the only thing I am concerned about is how Huxley is going to do when the winter really hits???
All these questions I’m asking myself so that I can fully absorb all the wonderful things that have happened to me the last 5 months. I’m so grateful for my life and even more so grateful it’s a life I’ve chose for myself.