We all have them. At least I think we do. I hope I’m not alone here. Sometimes I wonder how my mind can reach a dark place so quickly. My irrational fears for example tend to look like this; if I were driving in a car behind a truck that had a bed of tree logs I’d immediately think what if the logs started falling and one of them went through my windshield. Or let’s say for example, I had a fear of heights. Nevermind, that this is a real fear, that’s not the point. If I were on a rooftop bar and see people leaning against the railing my thoughts go straight to willing those people mentally to stop leaning in case the railing is unstable. Or how about my sentiment on bungee jumping? What if that elastic cord breaks mid-fall and you don’t bounce back up dude. Don’t do it.
Irrational fears dance throughout my mind at random. It’s a fun game my mind likes to play sometimes.
I was at a subway stop waiting for the train and I looked down at the tracks. Random garbage as well as little master splinters were strewn about the tracks. I kept thinking how awful it would be to be pushed off the platform. That shit is scary. I read an article of a few different instances where people who were mentally ill and not being treated pushed random people off the platform right when the trains were coming. They died. That’s not a way I want to die. Shit is crazy, yo.
My question for you is when does an irrational fear turn rational? How many times must it occur to be labeled rational? Who decides if it’s rational or not?
I used to not watch the news. I am way too emotionally driven to watch such depressing things. That has changed since I moved to NYC. I’m now on all sorts of email lists of the news variety and read the news on the interwebs. I want to know what’s going on in this new city of mine. Lemme tell you. It’s not all peaches and rainbows. In fact, most of it is downright terrible. With the police choke hold leading to Eric Garner’s death in August in Staten Island to the woman who was strolling along in the UES with her boyfriend as an AC Unit crashed down on her causing her to get more stitches than I can count to the story my boss told me of a women who was in a freak elevator accident and she was dismembered and died because of it to the rape of a woman in her 30s less than 20 blocks away from me to the accidental shooting of 2 people’s leg and foot because a dumb narcotics cop had his gun out and was fighting with a friend 2 blocks away from my apartment to the latest ISIS threat of bombing the NYC subways to the baby cub that was just found dead in Central Park…
All of that shit and more has instilled within me fears that I have never known before. It’s crazy. I know a lot of it I can’t control. The rest of it I just have to be really cautious and overtly aware of. But it’s probably just best to continue living my life the only way I know how.
Then there’s that fear that no one likes to speak of. Fear of being alone. That kind of fear begets all other sorts of insecurities and emotional pain and negativity and more fears themselves. That shit needs to be worked out. Really. Speaking from experience talk to a therapist it will change your life.
Life is really crazy and really short. Things change so quickly and it’s ever evolving. All I can do is continue to be the best me I know how and hope that my life doesn’t end in some crazy sad way and that somehow along the way I’ve left at least a little bit of an impact on the world and the people I love. Fear is there if you let it be. What I’m going to do is address it if it needs to be addressed; or ignore it if I have zero control over it and keep on keepin on; with a smile on my face.