No, my move to New York hasn’t been easy. But it really hasn’t been hard. It hasn’t been easy in the way that you’re thinking. It wasn’t difficult for me to take a leap of faith and decide I was going to move across country with my lil pup in tow. I’ve always wanted to live in a walkable city with a lot of culture and great food. It wasn’t difficult for me to sell all my stuff. Really, it’s just stuff. It brought me comfort but stuff can be replaced and I can find comfort in other things. Honestly, it wasn’t even as difficult as I thought it would be to say goodbye to loved ones. I know what we mean to each other and know that love like that is unshakable.
What was and is causing me unease and discomfort is feeling unsettled since all the pieces haven’t fallen together just yet. It’s not really hard or difficult or much of a struggle per se. It’s just uncomfortable for me. I am a doer and I act quickly. I jump into things head and heart and accept change and take on challenges. But certain things haven’t fallen into place as quickly as I would like. The thing is, I’ve become hard on myself because of it. I’m sure deep down my subconscious is aware that it’s not because of a lack of trying or want. I’m putting forth effort as well as putting out good vibes to the universe and asking for help. I need to reiterate to myself daily that things happen when and if they should. Not everything is in my control. I’m a strong believer that if you come from a good truthful place life always finds a way of giving you what you need and what you want if it’s truly what will bring you joy or allow you growth.
This is supposed to be the best part right? I need to slow my mind down and really take it all in and enjoy it. I’m making magic out of thin air. I moved out here with no home and no job and a very very small circle of friends. Right now I found a home and am working on the job while expanding my circle. When you conjure up ideas you then see how your thoughts morph into actions and your actions turn into decisions which lead to your ideas being brought to fulfillment.
It’s like how creatives have visions for their art. Seeing where the paints or pottery or pencils or colors or writing or camera shots turn into. All your ideas and concepts get swept up into one grand sensation turning into a wonderful piece that you are proud of, that is probably not exactly what you initially envisioned but you were engrossed in the act of creation and now you are left with something just as beautiful, if not more, that speaks to your heart and your mind in unison.
These feelings of emotional discord and lack of structure and stability are all the reasons why I longed to move. I wanted this. I knew what would push me. I also knew I would succeed. I was aware I would have these moments of unease that sometimes border anxiety and panic.This is the shit that forces me to grow. My mantra for myself when I need a reminder is that if I’m not learning then I’m not living and if I’m not living then I’m not loving. I’m out of my element and I’m still winning. When I look back at this time I’m positive I’ll be proud and grateful. I’m exactly where I should be. I’m creating magic in my life.